My name is Charlotte, and my age is irrelevant......
I don't look like the kind of girl you'd expect to see here.........
In this dim room, with it's white walls, and mosiac tile floor....
There's a slight, cleanish, yet sharp, smell in the air.........
a cross between bleach and ammonia.....
I can't quite place it....
The tempature is cool...........
There's a hum somewhere close by......
I'm getting an uneasy feeling.......
How did I get inside this strange room??
Today is Tuesday, I have piano practice on Tuesday..........
Wait..... That was before Daniel.........
.
So many things in my life were now "Before Daniel"......
Daniel, of the curly hair, and hungry eyes.......
He moved to our town mid fall semester of my Junior Year, and fate placed him in my homeroom......
Where I had a perfect view each morning during roll call, of the muscles that rippled across his shoulders, and the lone dimple in his cheek......
The one that just begged to be kissed.......
He wasn't the sort of boy who would normally look twice at me........
Not that I'm a dog or anything.....
I have naturally blonde hair, that falls into perfect shape around my face....
Mom says I'm lucky, like that......
I have pretty, straight teeth, which Dad will be happy to tell you cost him about 30 paychecks.....
Add green eyes with just enough blue to be intriquing, , a shy smile, skin unbothered by acne, and a mother who still insists upon picking out my clothes....
And you've got me.......
Best described as "Wholesome".......
Daniel had an untamed look about him...
An aura of something dark smoldering underneath, just out of reach.....
I heard he was one of six kids.............
Four of them younger, attending the middle school across town....
And an older brother, who worked as a manager nights at the dairy queen on the edge of town, to support his pretty little wife.....
Daniel's mom became our school nurse......
She was the type of lady to put you immediately at ease, with her soft laugh, twinkling eyes, and casual manner of dealing with every type of childhood emergency, be it real or fabricated.......
She was on a first name basis with bloody noses, fractured arms, and kids just looking for a place to hide out until math class was over..........
She never got overly excited, I suppose you don't when you've raised a houseful of kids......
She was okay looking for a mom, too.......
The type you see in the supermarket, with hair casually pullled back out of range of sticky little fingers.......
But she became something else when her gaze fell upon one of her children.......
She became what you woulld call "Stunning"......
I guess that's a mother thing.........
Mom says I'll understand when I'm older, and I guess she'd know......
She and Dad went through 8 miscarriages to get me........
Their "Miracle baby at the last moment", they called me.......
Dad's older than most, semi retired from his dental practice......
Mom works part time at the library in the center of town........
They're not what you would call real "Lovey Dovey"... ( Thank Goodness )....
Not much for public shows of emotion.........
But you can tell they like each other okay, they're happy, and comfortable with what they've built....
Mom says I'll understand that better later on, too.....
Daniel's folks are...........
louder......
livelier, more live out loud people...........
His Dad came in one evening from his security guard job at the bank...
and kind of swept his mom into a hug.....
The sort you see in the movies.........
His mouth found the spot under her ear, like he'd been there a million times, I guess he probably had......
( six kids )
He whispered something soft, that caused a blush to creep up her neck, and a giggle to escape her lips....
Yeah.
They liked each other okay, too.........
Usually, I'm tongue tied around guys.......
I feel awkward...
Cinderella BEFORE the ball......
That changed the day Daniel cast his one dimpled, lazy grin, in my direction.....
I lost myself inside those hungry eyes.........
He did something for me that the boys I'd grown up with had never been able to manage.....
He made me feel beautiful....
He made me feel special........
I craved the look he had only for me..........
He called my Dad "Sir", and my Mom, "Ma'am".........
He held doors, pulled out chairs, never talked with his mouth full......
Plus, he had what my parents called "Ambition"......
A perfect 4.0 grade average, and plans for college.......
He was perfect in all of our eyes......
He waited until our third date, to plant his first kiss on my mouth.....
The kiss I'd been dreaming of for 3 weeks.........
We strolled easily, casually, fingers entwined, through the annual Halloween fair..........
We talked about the house by the sea, we'd have someday......
The babies who would run through rooms lit by the sunrise, and our love.........
We stopped at the ferris wheel, Daniel greeted the boy who was running it by name.....
Steven something, I'd gone to school with him since kindergarten...
Hair that my mother would call too long, a cigarette dangling from his mouth......
The hand he dropped on Daniel's shoulder, looked like it needed washing, nails bitten to the quick.......
There was a rumor he was working the fair to help fund his girlfriends abortion....
He was what my parents would have classified as "Unsuitable".....
I took a moment to congratulate myself, for being on the arm of this beautiful, "Suitable" boy....
As the two boys held a quick, quiet conversation, I caught the words; "No problem, I got you covered, man".....
"What was that all about"????
Daniel shushed me, with a fingertip across my lips....
The ferris wheel turned under a dark, starry sky......
Stalling, coming to a complete stop, underneath the harvest moon..........
We sat, suspended in mid air, and the thing I'd been dreaming of, happened in slow motion......
His mouth found mine, in a perfect fit.....
I tasted cotton candy, and desire........
I heard the good natured chuckles coming from other seats...
"Get a room, dude".........
The strains of "She will be loved", played across the air between us.....
I could feel the vibration of Daniel's heart underneath my hand....
The spot I'd instinctively found.....
Daniel's mouth moved from my lips, to the spot just under my ear.........
his whisper came out low, sultry, for my ears only......
"I wanted this moment to be as perfect as you are".........
I became "My Char"............
We spent more and more time together..........
If I saw less of my friends, this was to be expected, wasn't it????
That just happens when you're in love.......
Daniel liked to know where I was, and I liked nothing better than to please him....
To see that look on his face, the one just for me....
I guess it was just past Christmas when I first noticed the "Other" look.........
The one that frightened me..........
froze me to the floor......
Found me lacking in some way........
I didn't feel beautiful under that look.....
I felt dirty.......
Ugly.......
Like a wrapper thrown on the ground...
Discarded..... dismissed........
I got into his car that night, excited for our date....
My hand reached eagerly for the curls at the base of his neck.......
His hand found my wrist, and grabbed it.....
Firmly, tightly............
Tight enough to hurt....
He pushed me back, so he could not only look at me, but be sure he had my complete attention.......
As if the vise he had my wrist in wasn't going to do it for him.......
His words came out clipped, and the look in his eyes was dark, menacing, and hit that vulnerable spot between my belly and my heart.........
"Where were you this afternoon"??
"I was with Missy.. you know that we had to study for the history test"......
"And YOU know that I don't approve of her... she's trash, Char... her skirts are too tight, and the other day she leaned over so far, I saw her cleavage all the way down to her naval"......
I opened my mouth, maybe to ask him what he was doing staring at my friend's cleavage in the first place.. or maybe just to defend my friend since pre school.....
The words died in my throat, as the grip he had on my wrist rose to an unbearable level.......
I knew something in that moment, that I had never before known in my brief, protected life........
I knew fear.........
And I hated it......
That "Episode" lasted only about 10 seconds.......
I came to think of them in the only way I could deal with them......
Mere "Episodes"......
I'd catch a glimpse of a Daniel I didn't know, a Daniel I didn't want to know.......
But soon enough, he'd be back to the boy I knew.........
The boy I loved........
The boy who's love, admiration, and approval I craved like a drug..........
People "Like Missy" as Daniel put it, just didn't fit in with our future plans...........
We were bound for the brightest of futures.......
Daniel contended that the only thing Missy was bound for was the countertop behind the cash register at her Dad's bakery...........
And so I let go of my oldest friend, the way you let go of a kite.....
I'm sure it hurt when I stopped taking her calls, and averted my eyes in the hallways..........
I stopped taking piano.........
I stopped doing anything that took time away from Daniel....
Stopped doing anything that he didn't first approve of.........
I couldn't risk that "Other" look.......
And I could never predict that other look.........
Either what I'd done to prompt it, or how it would have it's way.......
Dates that used to end with a grin, and a gentle kiss raining down on my mouth.....
Now ended with tears drying on my cheeks, and gentle kisses raining down on my bruised skin........
Promises that he would never do it again.........
Declarations of his love......
That kissable dimple, that I was seeing less and less of.........
The kaleidoscope of ever shifting emotion moved us through that summer somehow......
If I never learned how to predict Daniel's moods, try as I might....... Daniel learned to put his bruises in places where my parents and teachers couldn't see, and question me..........
He didn't mean the things he did, the way he talked, when the dark rose up from somewhere inside him.......
I knew things would get better, once Daniel's acceptance letters to college came in.......
I was so excited when my own college acceptance letter came in........
A little nervous too, the college I'd applied to was a good 150 miles away from where Daniel hoped to go..........
But how many times had mom told me the story of she and Dad's courtship???
Colleges 100 miles away, stolen weekends, late night phone calls....
And at the end of all their hard work, careers they'd strived for......
Mom walking down the aisle on her Father's arm, in a lovely white dress, handed down two generations.......
The house by the center of town......
And me running through rooms lit by the sunrise, and their love..............
I chose the blue dress because it's Daniel's favorite...........
It may have been too light for the mid fall weather though.......
It offsets my eyes nicely, as Daniel always says........
But it also has short sleeves, a fact I am now more than vaguely aware of.........
Perhaps that's why the room is feeling colder.......
There's a strange, steely coldness, running across my lower back......
And the humming from nearby is getting louder, breaking through my reverie....
Voices................
I catch pieces of words as they come closer........
......... "Found by the creek bed"............
............. "Boy in custody"......................
............. "Why wasn't she in school"?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The second man's tone was louder, angry, and it ended on a howl.............
The first man's tone came back, quiet, sympathetic, but in control.........
....... "Don't have to do this right now"..........
.............."No....... I'm ready".............
There's something frighteningly familiar in that broken tone...............
DAD??????
....... "Try not to look beyond her face............. There's a lot of damage"........
The dim room grows suddenly brighter, as the sheet is pulled from my face............
I feel my father's hot tears on my icy forehead, and in my hair...........
As this giant man I'd worshipped quietly all my life, This man I'd never seen cry.....
Was wracked with sobs, sobs that were shaking his body so badly, he could barely answer the first man's gentle inquiry.......
....... "So, this is"...........????
......."Yes,............. this is my daughter, this is my baby......... my Charlotte".........
The next words come out on a strangled sob.....
They may have been directed to the gentle man in white......
They may have been directed to the ceiling, or maybe to God........
"How am I going to tell my wife"???????
The room grows dimmer, as the sheet is replaced over my face......
Their voices are moving further away..........
Dad??
Dad?????????????
DADDY......... please don't leave me here......
I don't want to stay in this foreign, cold, place......
I'm suppsed to go to college........
I'm supposed to walk down the aisle, on your proud arm.......
I'm supposed to live in a house by the sea.............
I'm supposed to have Daniel's beautiful babies......
The ones who will run through rooms lit by the sunrise, and our love..........
The realization hits me.........
Colder than the table underneath me, or the tip of Daniel's knife............
The one I didn't see coming until it was too late............
My name is Charlotte....
And I won't be getting any older...........
